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CODEPENDENCY

To define codependency is a challenge: the leading recovery gurus' interpretations vary widely, some almost as dissimilar as the blind men's descriptions of an elephant.

An early definition belonging to Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse links codependency with alcoholism--"a primary disease and a disease within every member of an alcoholic family."

Robert Subby looks beyond alcoholism ties: "An emotional, psychological, and behavioral pattern of coping that is born of the rules of a family and not as a result of alcoholism." Together with John Friel, they delineate the rules which are clearly oppressive, "rules which prevent the open expression of feelings as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems."

Charles Whitfield has stated that codependence "affects not only individuals, but families, communities, businesses and other institutions, and states and countries... [It is] ill health, or maladaptive or problematic behavior that is associated with living, working with, or otherwise being close to a person with alcoholism"

Earnie Larsen has defined a codependent as "anyone who has been affected by the person who has been afflicted by the disease of chemical dependency [as well as] anyone who lives in close association over a prolonged time with anyone who has a neurotic personality."

Anne Wilson Schaef avoids making a contribution by stating, "I also believe that trying to generate definitions from a rational, logical premise is actually a manifestation of the disease process."

Morris Kokin writes: "`Codependency,' just like its predecessors `coalcoholic' and `coaddiction' and its contemporary `enabler,' is an absolutely unsatisfactory and insidious term. Granting it further status as a disease only adds to the damage already done by the alcoholic and his bottle."

Melody Beattie's official definition is: "A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior."

Melody Beattie's long description is: "Whatever problem the other person has, codependency involves a habitual system of thinking, feeling, and behaving toward ourselves and others that can cause us pain. Codependent behaviors or habits are self-destructive. We frequently react to people who are destroying themselves; we react by learning to destroy ourselves. These habits can lead us into, or keep us in, destructive relationships, relationships that don't work. These behaviors can sabotage relationships that may otherwise have worked. These behaviors can prevent us from finding peace and happiness with the most important person in our lives--ourselves. These behaviors belong to the only person each of us can control--the only person we can change--ourselves."

Others' wordiness has not restrained me from rambling about how I associate codependency with feelings of anxiety about almost anything, anyone, any circumstance; that the individual feels insecure within about most situations, people, events; that the level of anxiety can vary from barely conscious to near panic; that "What will other people think?" is a shared concern among codependents.

Prior to being interviewed by a reporter and guessing she would press me for a codependency definition, I asked my husband for his help. In his best inquisitive style, the one which works so effectively for him when he is inventing (he is a scientist who holds many patents), he urged me to do what he does, to "get down among the molecules" to determine the essence of codependency.

I cited John Bradshaw who believes "that internalized shame is the essence of codependency." I can see internalized shame being the thrust of codependency but down among the molecules, something comes before the shame. So I said, "Codependency is a feelings affliction." Oh-oh, and from whence come feelings? From thinking. (Years earlier when new to recovery, what a difficult concept that had been for me to understand and accept!)

I said that "failure to thrive" was coined to describe certain infants, but who is more deserving to be characterized as suffering from a "failure to thrive" syndrome than codependents? I felt I was getting close.

Then I said, "Codependents don't have a life," and when my husband asked, "Do you mean as in `get a life'?" the codependency significance of that slang expression dawned on me: getting a life is what recovering from codependency is all about. "I'm going to say that in the interview."

The printed story reads:

Getting rid of codependency "is truly about getting a life," she said.

Now when you overhear, "Ah, get a life!" forget the sarcasm and see the positive side; it's a rallying cry for changing codependent behavior.

As for the ultimate definition of codependency, it's of importance to "outsiders" wanting to understand. But when we are codependent, we may not recognize the symptoms, but we sure do experience them --as a prisoner within our own thinking.

And so, from the inspiration found while getting down among the molecules, I offer my definitions: